Living with Wildlife
I had to be at work early, P.A. time, that's production assistant time, 6:30 AM, in the ooh-ahh film biz.
As usual had to save the dork/coke head producers' ass. Somehow in his usual frenzy he had managed to wrap the rental van around a fire hydrant infront of the studio where we were setting up to shoot some dumb commercial. When I came on the scene he was gunning it back and forth, burning rubber and further imbedding the hydrant in the vehicles midsection.
"Shit, mother fucker, Julius!" he yelled as he noticed me standing on the sidewalk. "This fucking thing is stuck and the clients are suposed to be here in ten minutes and I sure as hell don't want them seeing me like this!"
"I'll take care of it" I offered, being a good subordinate and all. The driver's side door flung open, he breezed by and into the studio.
"Hmm" I thought "the problem is that if you drive forward or in reverse you get more stuck, the only way to unhitch this baby is to drive sideways."
Now I do remember a car that did just that from some old news reel film, designed by either Buckminster Fuller or Howard Hughs. "Well to get this van to go that way, I'd have to get a tow truck to yank from the other side." that seemed a bit drastic.
I ended up getting the vehicles jack and wedging it in a crevice, between the hydrant and van, down by the floor board. As I cranked a taxi stopped, unloading two overweight, overdressed men and one real "sharp cookie" of a looking lady. They glanced at me and quickly averted their eyes, obviously not wanting to waste a single moment of their precious time on the cretan doing something dirty to a fire hydrant and a van. Fuck them anyway, although at the time I'm shure I felt quite humiliated and cursed the so called "producer" for putting me in that ridicules situation, I did my duty, my job.
I managed to unhitch the thing and parked it, went inside to receive orders. "Do this, do that" the mourning was progressing. "You have to return these two stools to Maser furniture rental and pick up two office chairs". OK, off I went with a stool in each hand, on Wells St., in Chicago, still in the early morn. There's the van across the street, no traffic, nobody around. Cross the street, don't even think of the man hole cover that I step on until it flips, sending me down till it stops me, straddled, smash in my crotch, on top of it side ways down the hole.
At first I laughed, my eyes being at street level but very quickly the horrible truth of my predicurement resonated. "My balls are crushed! What's that oosing moisture running down my leg? My life is forever changed."
I managed to crawl out of the hole and to the van. I lay there at the curb looking up at the side door in such pulsing pain that I thought I might pass out. With every effert I could muster, I reached up with the key and unlocked the door, and slid it open. Dragging myself in, I felt the pain rise through my torso.
Once in the van, I lay still, concertrating on my breathing "it'll be all right" I emposed on my thoughts as I groaned in rythem to some vauge mantra, it'll be all right, it'll be alright, it'll be alright!"
After a while I knew that I had to do the clynical thing and check it out. Laying there in that van, cold and clamy, I slowly undid my belt buckle, un-zipped my pants, wrenched them down a bit to inspect the damage. To my happy and sort of disbelieving chagrin, no obvserable damage.
Fifteen miniuts passed, half an hour passed, the pain had settled in my groin, stomach and ass. I very slowly got up and put myself back together, retrieved the stools and off I went.
On my return to the studio the producer wanted to know why it took so long? "I fell down a man hole and smashed my balls" I said. He asked if I was high. "No, just a little pain" I reported.
And so the day passed. At around 4, 4:30 I went to take a leak and was astonished to see that my dick had turned blue, the whole package, a deep, blood under skin blue, one big blue dick. It made me laugh. Urination was painful but successful. I kind of giggled through the end of the day.
At around 7 we wrapped for the day. I walked up Wells St. feeling exausted yet somewhat giddy. I decided to stop in a bar and have a few chill down beers before heading home. Sitting alone at the bar, I would laugh out loud as the dull pain in my pants reminded me of the color of my loins.
A little while later two girls sat next to me. We started chatting and one of them asked me what I had done that day. " You'll never belive it" I answered, "I was carrying these two stools down the street and I fell down a manhole and my dick turned blue" We all started laughing. I filled them in with the details as we continued to drink. This led to that and in a little while I was in their car driving out to some suburb where they shared an apartment. We were all in the front seat, me in the middle. "This is great, the best" I very merily thought as I traded little make-outs between the two. We all knew what we were going to do. The only thing I was concerned with was that somehow I had to be back on the job at 6:30am the next morning. No problemo, they agreed to drive me back in the morning, yes! yes! yes!
When we arrived at their place clothing started comming off in the living room. We moved into a bedroom. They marveled at my fully erect member, all big and blue as mentioned. It was a bit painfull but good pain. After a couple of admiring licks I went to work on the one who was more aggressive and I was more attracted to. It all got to me, a few seconds later I came sending shooting pains up my spine. I lay back."That's it?" they both grunted. "maybe later" I offered suddenly feeling the exhaustion of the day and events overtake me, at which point I passed out.
I awoke looking at a clock that read 6:30am. "Shit we're at least a 45miniut drive away from where I have to be right now!" I panicked as I shook the girl that I had mildly entertained hours earlier. "Umm excuse me, uhh good morning! Umm can you drive me back, I'm gonna be real late" She kinda shrugged and mumbled like "don't bug me, I'm trying to sleep you dumb blue dick, wet noodle, mother fucker."
I mean what did they expect from me? After all I was injured.
THE END Julius Klein